Author: cc4th3r

lately i’d come home from school and end up sleeping for more than 5 hours, and i think this is the result of my horrible sleep schedule and because of how exhausted i am these days. i love sleeping. anyone who knows me knows that i love sleeping. im the kind of person who would sleep to skip a day and forget about the stuff that i have to do. in fact, just yesterday, i came home from school and just slumped on my bed and i ended up waking up around 6, and well, i stayed up till 5am. yup. 5am. i was almost going to oversleep this morning since i didn’t wake up until 5 minutes before the driver came. i’ve been trying to fix my sleep schedule but it really isn’t that easy. i either sleep a lot or not sleep at all. i remember how i used to make fun of my friend for sleeping a multiple times a day, but here i am almost sleeping the whole afternoon and evening. once, i fell asleep till 12am and when i woke up, i remembered that i had homework which wasn’t so great, but i managed to finish it quick. thankfully, it was on a thursday so i didn’t have to worry about the next day. this might sound extremely selfish but i used to wake up from my long naps and ignore messages i got because of how exhausted i’d be. mentally and physically. now, ive learned to reply once i wake up since the ones who text me think i died in my sleep, which would be pretty believable. if i could, i’d sleep right now. i’d love love love to go home and lay on my bed the whole day and just wake up relaxed. i don’t think i sleep just because im exhausted but also to sort of escape reality. i can’t wait for this weekend. i can’t wait to wake up and stay in bed. why can’t we take naps in class like we used to in preschool?

when i was younger, i was only taught once how to ride a bike without training wheels. i remember how scared i was that i would fall and lose my balance and well, i never succeeded till 2 days before my 14th birthday. yup. and not so long after that first time, my bike gave up on me. meaning, the wheels deflated, it was harder to bike, and the chain was hard to put back. so ever since that happened, i never really got to continue learning how to bike without training wheels. you might be wondering why i didn’t just buy a new one or fix it and well, i don’t really know why. when we moved, that was when we got a new bike and that old one magically got fixed.

my brother learned on his own literally just on the 2nd day of us getting that bike which made me question if that was even possible. my younger brother then learned and after that, my sister, and so i was the only one struggling. i remember how frustrated and angry i would get because at my age, i’m supposed to be able to ride a bike without training wheels and the fact that even my 9 year old brother is able to do it made me even angrier. i don’t know if it was that or because i wanted to be good at something for once. my siblings and even my dad tried helping but i was so stubborn in the process and hard to teach because i was doing exactly what they were doing, but it wasn’t working. this bike hates me is what i thought even though the poor bike did nothing.

my friend came to my house 3 days before my birthday and we decided to bike for a bit. she knew how to while i continued to struggle with keeping my balance. she laughed at me of course and i did too. it was actually pretty funny but oh, on the inside, i was so close to just giving up for the rest of my life. the morning after such a fun day, i decided to try AGAIN. never give up and if you fall, get back up again were all i kept telling myself even though i’m not a fan of these quotes. i’m telling you, i was so desperate. i just wanted to bike and have fun. i got on that bike, held tightly and started peddling. i didn’t realize i actually did it till a good 5 seconds. never give up is what i’ll tell myself from now on.

i did keep falling later on and did get hurt a lot but after more practice, i could properly ride a bike without falling and i’m really glad i did learn how to because riding my bike with earphones in, is what i love to do now. it’s what helps me escape from reality. riding at night with the cool, nice wind is such a nice feeling. it’s like in those coming of age movies where the main character rides their bike and goes to who knows where while listening to music and appreciating the moment. it boosts my mood and well, keeps me happy. it’s like freedom in some type of way and i love it. i’m not the best at elaborating but it really is a great feeling.

one day i’m going to figure out what it is that i want to pursue.

one day i’m going to get a house somewhere full of nature and next to a library.

one day i’m going to realize that life isn’t all about academics.

one day i’m going to adopt 2 dogs.

one day i’m going to write my own book.

one day i’m going to go to a taylor swift concert.

one day i’m going to genuinely and truly be happy.

one day i’m going to learn to love life.

till this day, i still watch my childhood shows and movies or just children-related movies. i also still enjoy playing with toys and looking at the toy aisle. you can laugh at me if you want, but i somehow find comfort in them. it’s sad growing up and having to go through change. having to leave your childhood behind to mature. to grow up. sometimes i wish i could go back and be a 5yr old who just wants to dress up and have a tea party with her dolls, or a 6yr old who plays with her food set. now, im a 14yr old who wants a summer vacation and therapy. i remember on the days i would feel sad, i would watch a bunch of barbie and movies like Matilda, Ratatouille, Trolls, Peter Rabbit, Paddington, Nanny McPhee, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Rio, and so much more, and they really would make me feel better. they’re really like free therapy. movies like these help me escape reality and all my problems in life, and it’s nice to revisit those times. it makes you forget about the bad in your life and around you. there’s always a happy ending in those movies no matter the situation, you just know that at the end, everyone is happy and the problem is solved which is so unlike life and the movies we watch now. that feeling of comfort also comes from toys as i’ve said. you know those food sets and miniature kitchens? i’ve always loved those and whenever i see one, i can’t help but actually pretend like i’m cooking. i wish we didn’t have to grow up and realize that we’ll never get to experience simpler days ever again. i find that it’ll be hard for me to let go of all my childhood memories someday but it eventually will happen.